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Thanks for visiting my diary. I've been journaling since 1984 and have chosen to share some of my entries online. They are not all positive thoughts, but I hope that reading them might be a blessing to someone who needs encouragement.
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Please also visit my music page, where you can hear samples from my debut CD, I Believe, which features songs written based on experiences shared in this journal.
Mom gave me a job tip, an attorney's office looking for a part- time receptionist. It wasn't my life's career goal, but I thoughtit might give me some finances toward a new computer or something. And how difficult can it be to answer phones and greet clients? I've done that before. Did that when I was a teenager. I called. It's only 8 hours a week. Not much, but more than I have now. I gulped and asked the big question. Maybe I shouldn't have asked, but I had to know. Were they open to hiring a visually impaired person. "Well, you'd have to be taking money from clients and writing receipts and writing down messages, and eventually I hoped to train someone on the computer..." I mentioned screen access software. They don't have any software where I could type out the messages instead of handwriting them. What, no MSWord? Oh, never mind anyway. "I'll think about it and call back." I'm so tired of all this stuff!
I told mom. She said, "Well, fine, if you don't want to try..." Doesn't she get it? Does anybody get it??? It isn't a matter of not wanting to try. I'd try my butt off if anyone cared to give me the opportunity. But you can't get the job without the technology, and you can't get the technology without the job. Rehab agencies don't purchase anything until you have a need for it. I could get training in Windows, but that would only tell an employer I knew how to use it. It wouldn't give me the access, and without the access I can't do the job. I can't get a basic office job. I can't get a job working with kids, even when knowing braille is an essential requirement for the job, because I'm sooooo unsafe. What next? Go back to school? What for? What am I going to run into when I have the Master's degree? I'm so tired of running into walls! Part of me just doesn't want to try any more.
People tell me all kinds of things that I know are supposed to be comforting. God has something better for me. Oh really? When's it gonna happen? Does He care about this aspect of my life or doesn't He? Oh, I don't suppose it hurts anything for me to sit on my butt at my parents' house for a while longer, does it? I'm agood role model for somebody's blind child. Oh really? What kind of role model can't handle this stuff? Oh, most people don't know this part of me. They only know that no matter what happens I always get up and try again. They might not think so much if I just decided to stop trying, if I just decided to sit home and not look any more.
I wish I hadn't even called about the job. I wish I didn't get all excited every time Mom came up with another one.
And reading my homework, I just don't feel so smart today. I have to come up with something "comprehensive, that reflects my understanding of the article," and the truth is I haven't a clue what the article is talking about. There were portions of it that I understood, but portions of it which totally eluded me. What in the world is a circumplex, and what's it got to do with emotions? I might get it if I could see the drawings.
You know, some days I don't care about this blindness stuff. Other days it makes me want to throw something huge through a wall just to show how frustrated I am. But that isn't appropriate. Not only is it not an appropriate display of anger, but anger is an inappropriate response to something I cannot change. But today I'm very angry.
I had just written up this humdinger of a homework paper, and it's supposed to be submitted on a form. Well, I encountered a server error. So I have to do it again, and I mean write the whole thing again. Oh, well. At least I might remember enough of it to rewrite it. *sigh* I actually thought I knew what I was talking about!
And the moral of the story is... Everybody needs Windows so they can cut and paste. Or else write it off line and retype it in the form!
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