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Thanks for visiting my diary. I've been journaling since 1984 and have chosen to share some of my entries online. They are not all positive thoughts, but I hope that reading them might be a blessing to someone who needs encouragement.
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Well, that was a nice bit of faith I had last night. I don't have much tonight. I know that part of what took me away from You was my not writing and talking to You. I don't really feel like writing tonight, but I know I need to. I cannot sleep off this kind of depression.
I went to see my friend in the hospital tonight. I have only seen her twice since early Saturday morning--one hour each time. Generally, I am handling that pretty well. But tonight she brought something up that has been in the back of my mind. I haven't said anything to anyone about it because I was trying to ignore it. She said one of the patients has been in this program five times. Then she said, "What if I get depressed again? Who's going to put up with this?" I know she wants this to be the last time she has to go to a hospital--so do I. I didn't know what to say. I wanted to say all the things everyone says--things that would be easy to do and might "make it go away". Things like, "You have a choice to feel that way or not." "Just go on in spite of it." ... She has heard all of that before, I'm sure.
The truth is that I am really struggling with faith. If You are a God who heals, then why haven't You healed my eyes? If it is not Your will for my friend to be in the hospital like this, then why haven't You healed her? Why does it seem that she can never get anywhere? I could tell her that she just isn't committed enough to You, but how committed does she have to be before You will help her? Does she have to be perfect? And isn't this depression keeping her from moving forward?
Of course not, You say. It is the very thing that keeps her from standing still. So now what? Does she have to spend the rest of her life feeling like she might kill herself but not wanting to die? No, You say, that is the thing she has the choice about. Well, then, if she wants to live like she says she does, then why don't You help her? Why don't You show her how to get Your help?
Ok, maybe I'm being a little obnoxious and "spoiled". But I just can't believe You are a God who wants people to suffer that way. No, I am NOT going to give up like people are suggesting. Oh, they don't come right out and say it, but they might as well. Most people have given up--that's why they don't come around or call. But I want and expect more for her. And I want it and expect it from You, God! I don't know what it takes to get to where I can ask and receive. Right now it feels like all that talk about asking and receiving and having faith as small as a mustard seed is a bunch of talk and You aren't real after all.
I hope I've gotten this out of my system now because I'd really like to go to bed.
God loves people more than anything. God loves people more than anything. More than anything He wants them to know He'd rather die than let them go. God loves people more than anything.
I know life is more than physical sight, Lord, but I would still like to see because part of life is sight. Part of worshipping You is seeing Your creation and appreciating it. Part of reaching out to others is seeing the hurt on their faces and seeing to get to where they are. And life is joy and peace, not depression and destructive thoughts. I do want healing for both me and my friend.
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