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Thanks for visiting my diary. I've been journaling since 1984 and have chosen to share some of my entries online. They are not all positive thoughts, but I hope that reading them might be a blessing to someone who needs encouragement.
If you are just coming to my diary for the first time, please read my introductory entry, where I share some background that is important if you plan to follow this diary regularly.
Please also visit my music page, where you can hear samples from my debut CD, I Believe, which features songs written based on experiences shared in this journal.
Lord, thank You for blessing me this month and giving me the money to make it through. Also, thank You for providing for my needs (and Elli's) for next month. I'm really trying to do better, especially with my phone bill. The phone bill is a big problem.
Lord, sometimes (a lot of times) I feel so lonely! It's especially hard when James and I aren't together. I know it's not any worse than it used to be, but it feels worse because I'm used to being with him now. Anyway, the point is that I feel intimidated in my apartment complex. It's always like that. Since Dawn made friends with all the partiers, I've been feeling like I'm not "good enough" to be her friend and like everyone watches me walk around and thinks, "There's that nerd who called the cops on those guys."
Lord, all I've ever wanted is a place to belong. I know I don't want to belong with the partiers, but I don't feel like I belong in Your church either. I don't feel like I belong anywhere except with James. I know I probably can't feel You because I've been choosing to stay away from You. I wish I could change.
On a similar but different note, I need Your help while I am working at Camp Independence. I'm scared, Lord. I want to be someone the kids look up to, and I'm afraid I won't be anyone like that. I'm afraid I will get upset because I won't be able to do as much as the other staff. Lord, I need You to take these fears because they are hindering me. I need You to give me confidence.
Thank You for my good visit with Terri this weekend. Please give her strength to live for You in every aspect of her life. Help her to know that I care about her.
Also, please help Rachel to know that I care about her. Please heal our friendship. I don't know what happened, but I am scared and unhappy about it. I don't want to lose this friendship.
I need Your touch, Lord. I've been sick all summer. I cry every time I go to church. I want to explain my feelings to someone, but I can't do it. I know I should be more trusting of You, and I just want someone to hold me and pray with me until something changes in me or in my situation. I don't know how to get back to You. It touched me when James said that maybe my heart wasn't as far from You as I thought it was. I hope that is true. But how can I know? How can I start seeking You? How can I hear Your voice and still be so far away? Where are You, Lord?
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