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Thanks for visiting my diary. I've been journaling since 1984 and have chosen to share some of my entries online. They are not all positive thoughts, but I hope that reading them might be a blessing to someone who needs encouragement.
If you are just coming to my diary for the first time, please read my introductory entry, where I share some background that is important if you plan to follow this diary regularly.
Please also visit my music page, where you can hear samples from my debut CD, I Believe, which features songs written based on experiences shared in this journal.
I almost said I don't know what I want, but I do. I know exactly what I want, and it's impossible. I want Vicki back. I don't know what is unfinished, but I want it finished. I want to know that she knew I loved her. I want her to tell me again the same. I don't want her soul hurt because of my anger. I know she intended to leave Marty, not me, but she DID leave me indirectly. I understand more now how the things we do affect people in ways that we don't intend.
It's okay that she went. The conversation we never had still bugs me. I don't know what I wanted to say to her, but I wanted to say something. I needed to, and I didn't. I wanted to see her again ...
The only way I can relate to this is through Granny's death. But we had time; we finished; we said all there is to say, and we knew it was forever. Granny was SUPPOSED to go home.
I feel so much like a little girl, like that's something I'm not supposed to feel. How long is it until You step in? If I can't give myself to You, then take me.
I don't feel anything any more. I wish You were here. I wish anyone was here. I hate being here. I don't want to be here. My life is nonexistent. I just want to matter somewhere, to have something to live for. I don't want my life to be all in a virtual world, and that is where it is. Right now that is even limited because typing is more painful than it's worth.
Where is all this comfort? Right now all there is is nothing.
I am a member of Lighted Path, a directory of Christian diaries.
Read my profile. This is not a comprehensive introduction, but there is some fun information there.
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http://www.growingstrong.org
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