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Thanks for visiting my diary. I've been journaling since 1984 and have chosen to share some of my entries online. They are not all positive thoughts, but I hope that reading them might be a blessing to someone who needs encouragement.
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When I blank out, it can happen in two different ways. The ones I recognize as psychologically triggered I am usually not aware of except that I realize that I don't know what is going on because the last thing I remember doesn't go with what is going on now. It's like listening to someone say something like this:
Yesterday I was petting my cat and she ... for dinner now. We are having spaghetti and garlic bread.
As far as I can tell I only lost a few seconds--maybe a minute or two. When I wrote before I described finding myself sitting in a certain position. Actually, it is kind of like a praying position or like when you fall asleep on accident. The difference is that when I am sleepy my head nods back and forth. During the other blank-outs it feels like something passes over my mind and blocks out everything. These usually last only a few seconds, and I can pick up enough afterwards to put things together. After the other kind, I am usually very sleepy, and I have trouble sometimes with talking and other motor activities. I have found that taking a vitamin combo which is popular for seizures helps a lot--I haven't had any of those in a while.
When I was younger and it was necessary for me to be in places where a lot of people interacted and I was not a part, I used to daydream a lot. I don't seem to have the ability to daydream or think deeply in a crowd any more. Maybe this is because people have made comments about my "deep thought look". When I would do this, people often said I looked mad. I was never mad, and people who knew me usually became accustomed to this look. But I guess maybe I stopped doing it because I didn't like people thinking that I was mad or upset. So now I suppose I do this instead. It does make me feel better, but I don't like losing the time and not being able to follow a discussion.
There is a whole year of my life which I don't really remember much about. I don't think it is because of abuse. The abuse, with one exception, happened within the context of dating relationships. I did not date during this time I don't remember. I do recall feeling pretty out of place. I just don't remember any details of what I know I was involved in.
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