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Thanks for visiting my diary. I've been journaling since 1984 and have chosen to share some of my entries online. They are not all positive thoughts, but I hope that reading them might be a blessing to someone who needs encouragement.
If you are just coming to my diary for the first time, please read my introductory entry, where I share some background that is important if you plan to follow this diary regularly.
Please also visit my music page, where you can hear samples from my debut CD, I Believe, which features songs written based on experiences shared in this journal.
I want to be a little girl, Lord. I'm scared, and lately when I get scared I cry. I don't know why... Maybe that's just the way I'm able to express it.
When I was little, it didn't hurt when people died or moved away. I wasn't jealous about things. When I was afraid, someone was there to hold me and pray with me.
Everything is moving too fast for me, Lord. I have this anger and pain that doesn't seem to go away. I know that is not in Your will for me, but I don't know what to do. And I am always afraidof something, but I don't know why or even what it is.
Maybe the reason I was always happy when I was little was that I didn't know I was supposed to worry about things like how much money the family had. Once I found my mom lying on a bed at Granny's house when we were living there. I was four then. She was crying because we had not found a house to buy. I tried to hug her and tell her we might find another house. Then I tried tickling her toes to make her laugh. I remember this because something about seeing my mom cry bothered me. It wasn't supposed to be that way. Did she tell me things would all work out? Was I bothered because I really believed that they would and I thoughtshe didn't believe it?
When I was little, I always looked forward to the first day of school or camp. It was "make-new-friends day". When I got older, I was afraid of it. Now I feel intimidated and don't talk to people often unless they talk to me. Most of the time I think that they don't want me to talk to them. Is this because they really don't, or is it because somehow the fear became natural as I got older?
Lord, I know that in some ways You want me to be childlike, but I don't know when or in what ways exactly. I need You to be my parents and tell me things I can believe. I need You to tell me when things will be all right and when I should act boldly and honestly. I know You already do these things. I need Your help in letting go of things I don't need, like fear.
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