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Thanks for visiting my diary. I've been journaling since 1984 and have chosen to share some of my entries online. They are not all positive thoughts, but I hope that reading them might be a blessing to someone who needs encouragement.
If you are just coming to my diary for the first time, please read my introductory entry, where I share some background that is important if you plan to follow this diary regularly.
Please also visit my music page, where you can hear samples from my debut CD, I Believe, which features songs written based on experiences shared in this journal.
Lord, I'm having trouble with my mood lately. I am thankful that the money came in time so that I could get my dress. I am thankful that all my classes are chosen and that so many people are willing to read. I hope I won't have to drop anything, especially my math classes.
I've been wishing I could reach out to other people more, but I feel like I can't do it. I wanted to help when Chi Alpha was moving people into the dorms, but I knew I would just be in the way. I hate that I have to be introduced to new people. That makes me feel like they'll think I really don't want to be friends with them. I want to go and pray with people at church sometimes, but everyone else is so busy with their own things that I don't get a chance to do that.
I don't know what James means by "accepting my blindness". If it means I have to be happy just sitting around and not contributing, then I would rather die. If it means I should always hang around other people with disabilities, then there is no way. All my life everyone (especially other blind people) have been telling me I can make it in normal society, and that's what I want. There's nothing wrong with my brain or my heart, and somewhere there has to be someone who understands that.
Lord, I feel guilty about not being able to do things, like I'm not being a good enough witness. But You know that I want to. You know that I don't have open doors very often. When I do, I freeze up, but that's another story. That's something You can help me overcome. What can I do about being an inconvenience to people? What can I do besides sit around at home?
Lord, I am feeling really angry and frustrated, and I need Your help with that. I need You to show me that I am good enough for You to use and love.
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http://www.growingstrong.org
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