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Thanks for visiting my diary. I've been journaling since 1984 and have chosen to share some of my entries online. They are not all positive thoughts, but I hope that reading them might be a blessing to someone who needs encouragement.
If you are just coming to my diary for the first time, please read my introductory entry, where I share some background that is important if you plan to follow this diary regularly.
Please also visit my music page, where you can hear samples from my debut CD, I Believe, which features songs written based on experiences shared in this journal.
I think I finally put my finger on what's bugging me about unemployment. It's only partially my sensitivity to the perception of the young lazy blind person who wants his/her $500 a month without having to work for it. I detest people like that and fear becoming one, but that's not nearly what's bothering me. It bothers me that because it's hard for a blind person to find work we seem to be expected to take what we can get rather than pursuing what would really make us who we are. I have never been content to receive less than what I could have--I was taught how to shop around. And I have never been content to give less than what I have. I give my all, and I expect to see it count. You know, it's the thing about working hard and getting an A. That was always supposed to be the way it went. I've worked hard for a C, and I've learned that sometimes that's how it goes, but if I'm going to spend over a third of my life working I'd like it to be at something where I feel that putting in the time is worthwhile. Last time I checked that was called pursuit of happiness. If I don't do it, then why am I here?
I know what it means to ask for something with totally pure motives--and I know what it means to be healed. No, I won't stop taking my medicines. Taking my medicines is how I treasure the gift God has given me. There are other ways, too, and I am learning about them. I know something now with my entire being, and once I know this the questions I ask in my mind become entirely different. I know without a doubt that I was made to give glory to God. I was made to be a witness for Him, and that's all that matters in my life. I want whatever will make me able to do this. So instead of "What will make my life better?" my question becomes, "What is God doing in my life and what will enable me to share that?" That's all I want out of life.
I still have not been able to shake the notion that I am exactly where God wants me to be. Why He would want me here in Anderson, Indiana, I don't know. But I am here, and I know better than to step out of this place without His blessing. Is that lazy or uncooperative? Should I care as long as I'm doing the things I hear God telling me to do? Why am I so caught up in what everybody else believes? If I was an ordained minister or a missionary, no one would think twice about my putting in lots of time for low or no pay. But because I am an average blind person, I feel the stigma of the SSI bum follow me everywhere I go. I need to be free of it, even if I can't live in a higher income bracket. I don't know how I'll do it, but it's a conviction I have.
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