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Thanks for visiting my diary. I've been journaling since 1984 and have chosen to share some of my entries online. They are not all positive thoughts, but I hope that reading them might be a blessing to someone who needs encouragement.
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Please also visit my music page, where you can hear samples from my debut CD, I Believe, which features songs written based on experiences shared in this journal.
Wednesday afternoon I got a contact lens. I was so excited because this is something I have been praying about for a long time. I tried to take good care of it so that I wouldn't lose it. I didn't forget to clean it or stop up the sink. I always cleaned off the counter before I put it in or took it out so that it wouldn't get dirty if I dropped it. I wasn't rough when I touched it. I thanked You for it every time I put it in because it really did help me to see better. I thought it was a blessing and that You were continuing to answer my prayer.
Tonight I was putting it in, and it just tore right in my hand. I don't know why. I only know that I was so upset holding my torn lens, the thing I had prayed for and taken care of. I knowit's not really as big of a problem as I'm making it. Dr. Rudasill said it wasn't fitting right and that he would order a new one. I just feel let down and confused.
Lord, if I was asking for something that was not in Your will, would You give it to me knowing it would affect me this way? If I asked that if it wasn't Your will You would take away the desire, would You still give me what I asked for? Why would You do that?
Lord, You know how my blindness was never a bitter issue for me until I went to Anderson. You know how hurt I was when Kimberlymade that comment three years ago. You know how much that pain took away from my relationship with You, how bitter it made me. It wasn't my blindness that kept me from coming to You--it was my fearthat I didn't have what it took to reach You. You know how I begged for You to take the desire for healing from me and to give me peace. You know how much I wanted to accept my life the way it was. You know that the truth was that I wanted to see and that I didn't ask You for this for a long time because I thought it was wrong and selfish--and impossible. You know how I didn't want to read Your Word because I read so much about Your healing so many people. You know how honest I was with You after my vision had been gone for eight weeks. You know how I told You that I didn't know if I believed in Your power to heal. You know that part of me just wanted to give up because believing in You was too hard and too painful.
And knowing all these things, you caused me to look up and see Angi's light. Knowing all these things, You caused my vision to improve during the next 72 hours. Knowing all these things, You gave me a successful surgery for glaucoma. Knowing all these things, You gave me a new pair of glasses that improved my vision even more. And knowing all these things, You at least allowed me to get this contact lens.
What does all this mean? Am I dreaming up the answers I want? Could I do such a thing? Lord, I gave You all the faith I had. I gave You my anger and fear. I gave You my lack of peace. I was willing to accept my blindness as it was with Your help. Instead, You improved my vision. Why? Why couldn't You have just given me the peace I needed a long time ago? If I am supposed to be "accepting" my blindness, which is what I thought I did a long time ago before I went to Anderson, why is all this happening? Why am I on this roller-coaster? If my healing really is Your will, then why don't my parents and James walk with me in it? I especially need James to believe with me and help me when I start to doubt. If this is not Your will, then I need some peace because I'm headed for the rock bottom and I don't see it.
So I'm asking You, Lord, to give me the faith and peace I need. Help me to want to live for You the way I used to. Help me to understand this situation and to have peace about whatever Your will is. I've asked You for peace both ways. Help this not to get in the way of my walk with You. Help me to reach out and be acceptable to You.
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