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Thanks for visiting my diary. I've been journaling since 1984 and have chosen to share some of my entries online. They are not all positive thoughts, but I hope that reading them might be a blessing to someone who needs encouragement.
If you are just coming to my diary for the first time, please read my introductory entry, where I share some background that is important if you plan to follow this diary regularly.
Please also visit my music page, where you can hear samples from my debut CD, I Believe, which features songs written based on experiences shared in this journal.
A couple of weeks ago, I sat in the congregation instead of singing in the choir because I wasn't quite over bronchitis. It was one of those days when I hadn't planned on going to church, but I went anyway. I normally dislike being in the congregation, but I think on this day I was right where I needed to be.
The choir sang a song called "He Never Failed Me Yet". It's kind of a Black Gospel song, and originally Sandi Patti was supposed to do the solo. The choir was also supposed to have done this on September 24. God's timing is interesting. Sandi was sick, and the song was put off. I don't suppose Sandi's illness was purposed just for me, but had she been well I wouldn't have had the experience I had. As it turned out, she wasn't going to be able to sing with us any other times this year because of her performance schedule. So my friend, J.J., did the solo.
My church is fairly conservative, but during this song it was turned upside down into something I haven't experienced since I was in an Assembly of God. The energy in the room was like a huge magnet, and it had nothing to do with the choir. They sang well, but I've never been that captivated by a performance--not even by a flawless performance. In fact, I can count on two hands the number of times I have actually felt like reacting outwardly to anything. I am not a shouter, and believe it or not, I'm not even a person who cries easily about things I hear or see. I do cry when God moves me deeply, and a handful of times in my life I have been known to do something other than cry. But I am normally very private about my worship.
I have not been able to get that song out of my mind since. I finally got my tape of the service in the mail, and listening to it just reawakens whatever I found that morning. It's so much more than just a fun song. It has become part of the bank of songs which make up my testimony.
I will sing of God's mercy.
Every day, every hour, He gives me power.
I will sing and give thanks to him
For all the dangers, toils and snares that He has brought me out.
He is my God, and I'll serve Him,
No matter what the test.
Trust and never doubt. Jesus will surely bring you out.
He never failed me yet.
Last week I wrote about walking through valleys. I thought I wrote a nice little piece, and at the time I celebrated it. I didn't realize that I would be plunging into the valleys this very week. Oh, I knew better than to think that I was in the home stretch. But I was naive enough to think that I might get a little break. Silly me! There are very few breaks along this road--at least, very few lasting ones! I am running a race! The break comes at the end. It's called heaven!
My daily struggle is with the fact that I do not have local friends with whom I can share deeply about what matters most to me. On most days I busy myself with this and that and don't think much about it. I have even been able to handle going to church lately without being too distracted by the ever-present loneliness. But sometimes, at the end of the day, I feel this deep sorrow in my soul.
Last night, as I struggled with the conflict between the worship experience and an absolute hunger for intimacy with God on one hand and the deep longing for fellowship on the other hand, I had the feeling of being caught in the middle of a war and sometimes even surrounded by forces threatening to pull me down into that pit of loneliness and hopelessness. That was when the truth of this song hit me. The verses talk about God delivering, and both end up with that same line: "Trust and never doubt. Jesus will surely bring you out. He never failed me yet."
I couldn't feel any peace last night. But it's times like this when I do just that: trust and never doubt. Who knows when the valley ends or the seas become calm or the furnace becomes cool or the lions stop being hungry... It doesn't matter. My job is to trust. I'm old enough to think about my life now and realize that there really are dangers, toils and snares that He has brought me out. And I am absolutely amazed! I hope never to go through those things again, but I'm not regretful; for they have taught me to love God so very much! I'm still walking through valleys, but I do trust and I will not doubt. He will bring me out! He never failed me yet, and that includes the times I did doubt!
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