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Thanks for visiting my diary. I've been journaling since 1984 and have chosen to share some of my entries online. They are not all positive thoughts, but I hope that reading them might be a blessing to someone who needs encouragement.
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Please also visit my music page, where you can hear samples from my debut CD, I Believe, which features songs written based on experiences shared in this journal.
The story of David begins with Hannah--not David's mother but Samuel's. Hannah's story is important because of the circumstances of his birth. Hannah was one of two wives. That in itself is an interesting phenomenon, and sometime I'll write about it. But to make matters worse, she was the one without children while the other wife (Peninna) had several. In that society, having children--and particularly having sons--was the measure of a woman's worth. And Peninna provoked her at the time of sacrifice. How? We don't know. Why? We don't know. Perhaps Peninna herself was envious because Elkanah gave Hannah an extra portion for her sacrifice. Perhaps Peninna was just not a kind person. In any case, she somehow caused Hannah to be so distressed that she could not eat and "her face was downcast"--something that would be noticeable in this environment of worship.
Now as if all of this wasn't bad enough, Elkanah makes an insensitive remark. "Why don't you eat? Why are you downhearted? Don't I mean more to you than ten sons?" He isn't concerned with Hannah's feelings. He is only concerned with her feelings about him. And he completely minimizes her pain. So she has only one thing left to do. "In bitterness of soul Hannah wept much and prayed to the LORD . And she made a vow..." ... And she kept it. She wasn't just bargaining with God.
I live in a society where women are identified by either their careers or their children and husbands--sometimes by all three. And I have none of these. I don't want empty identification, but I do deeply desire a husband and children. In my Bible study groups, the women are all mothers. Those women I do meet who are single are happily single. I wish I could be. I weep almost constantly and pray, but I feel that God doesn't hear me. I can say that maybe it's because I've been trying to accomplish this my way instead of trusting Him, but while I do recognize the truth of this I also feel that He will not (maybe cannot) answer me because there is no one in my life who is available, interested, and truly desires to be joined to me. God can bring a bunch of bones to life, but can He bring life where there are no bones to work with?
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