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Thanks for visiting my diary. I've been journaling since 1984 and have chosen to share some of my entries online. They are not all positive thoughts, but I hope that reading them might be a blessing to someone who needs encouragement.
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I walked into a class called Christian understanding of human experience this morning totally unprepared for what happened. Right in the middle of the lecture the professor asked, "Why should we believe that God exists?" He gave the example of a girl who walked into his office a few years ago and said she was having a hard time concentrating in her Bible class. When he asked if anything major had happened in her life she said, "How did you know?" Her father had been walking down to the store to get some bread and milk and was hit by a drunk driver. They took him to the hospital, and she prayed and placed her trust in the verse that says, "Ask anything in my name and you shall receive it." And her father died. I really don't believe there is a God," she said.
I spent the rest of the class fighting back tears unsuccessfully. I was literally shaking and couldn't control it. I'm serious. I didn't want to break down in class. It was CLASS, and I wasn't dealing with a CLASS ISSUE, or so I thought. Maybe it IS a class issue, but it's SO PERSONAL! And I couldn't handle myself.
Why would You say something like that if You didn't mean it? And if You meant it in a certain way, why didn't You say so? And if You meant it, why haven't I received healing? And what about all those people I'm supposed to minister to? What am I supposed to say to them? They're all asking these questions, and some of them (unlike me) will turn away from You if You don't answer. The only reason I haven't is because I am stubborn and I WANT AN ANSWER... What am I supposed to say to them when I want to know, too? I know all those things that are supposed to be the right answers, but they are empty for me right now. Maybe the answer is that I am like a little child who thinks she knows what's best for her but can't see the end. But that doesn't help, either.
I guess the only thing to do is to ask You for a way to accept my life as it is, but that doesn't answer my questions. Why did you say "anything?" Don't You know what that says? Or is something wrong with our language? I need to know. I can't take this lightly and just say the things I have already said and thought I believed if I really don't believe. I can't leave this unanswered. It's too easy for us who have our needs met to saythings and go on our way, overlooking the need. I know because I have both done this and been overlooked. Where are You with Your answer?
And if you're not going to heal me, then please take away this desire.
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