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Thanks for visiting my diary. I've been journaling since 1984 and have chosen to share some of my entries online. They are not all positive thoughts, but I hope that reading them might be a blessing to someone who needs encouragement.
If you are just coming to my diary for the first time, please read my introductory entry, where I share some background that is important if you plan to follow this diary regularly.
Please also visit my music page, where you can hear samples from my debut CD, I Believe, which features songs written based on experiences shared in this journal.
Last April we found out that Granny has inoperable lung cancer. She felt fine until about five weeks ago, when her hip started hurting a lot. She has been having a lot of tests run since then, and yesterday they found out that it has spread to her spine. Tomorrow she starts having radiation treatments every day, and then probably chemotherapy. The doctor said that if we could schedule any time together with the whole family during the ext few months we should. I don't want to be here in Anderson. I want to take next semester off and go home. But there are several reasons why I don't think that would be the best idea. First, I would lose a $2500-a- year scholarship, and I already had to takeout a guaranteed student loan just to be here this year. Second, I am already dreading living at home this summer. I love my parents and my sister, but we fight just too much. Third, my support group down there is even worse than it is here. At least, I see them a lot less. Maybe these last two are selfish reasons, but I can't handle all these crises at once. Please, Lord, no more! There are just so many things involved in this.
I have been promising her a tape for a long time and haven't had enough time to finish it as well as I would like too. I wanted to give her the very best that I had. I want to spend time with her, to give peace to her and Gramps. And I can't do it here. And I feel guilty feeling okay for once, like I did earlier.
I hate it that our family third-party communicates. Mom called Mike last night, and he invited me to lunch today. I won't even mention that it's the first time he's done that since I have been here. And that's what he had to tell me. My mom didn't call me or GEnie me because she said she wanted me to be able to talk to someone. I know maybe she couldn't tell me herself, but I am TIRED of hearing everything from someone who heard it from someone else who heard it from someone else ... Our whole family is like that, and we have to be so strong for each other. None of us know how anyone else is feeling because we're all too embarrassed to show it. I know that Granny's death may be sooner than I expected. I say that because six weeks ago she was just fine, and now she is in so much pain she hasn't been out of the house in five weeks except to go to the doctor. I almost said I can accept that, but I don't think so. I will because there's nothing else to do. But I don't like it. I wanted to know her more than as a little girl. We don't know how long she has, but it may not be long. I DON'T WANT TO MISS MY CHANCE TO KNOW HER! I'M NOT READY FOR THIS...
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