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Thanks for visiting my diary. I've been journaling since 1984 and have chosen to share some of my entries online. They are not all positive thoughts, but I hope that reading them might be a blessing to someone who needs encouragement.
If you are just coming to my diary for the first time, please read my introductory entry, where I share some background that is important if you plan to follow this diary regularly.
Please also visit my music page, where you can hear samples from my debut CD, I Believe, which features songs written based on experiences shared in this journal.
I thought everything was okay when I got here. I thought I had managed to tell my R. A. that what I needed was for people to treat me in the same way that they treated each other. As I have gone along, I wonder if I really did. What I really need is to feel the friendship that they have with each other. Sometimes I feel like maybe that is too much to ask for. I haven't found my place, obviously, and I don't like it. Right now I feel very far away from God and everyone else. I don't see how I fit into the big picture. What good am I doing anyone? I just go to class, use some readers, tag along with a group who probably would not even notice if I wasn't there, and go to bed. I pray for people, but I could do that at home. I don't want everything I do to be for me, and I don't want Satan to deceive me into believing that it is for others when it isn't.
I am also feeling extremely guilty about a lot of things like my room situation. I cannot accept the idea that I need to do something that will be good for me.
My hall director asked me if running away from my problems was the way I should handle them. That made me really angry because I didn't feel like I was running away from them. I felt like I faced them and made a decision to start over so that things would not get any more difficult and confusing than they already were. If they did, I would explode. Then she asked if secluding myself would be good for me to get my needs met. That made me really mad. Just because I want a private room does not mean I am secluding myself.
The biggest thing on my mind right now is that I feel so alone. I feel like there's a wall around me that I can see through but no one else can. I want someone to see inside and to help me break it down, but no one seems to be able to do that. I can't seem to take the first step. I don't want to get hurt again.
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http://www.growingstrong.org
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