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Thanks for visiting my diary. I've been journaling since 1984 and have chosen to share some of my entries online. They are not all positive thoughts, but I hope that reading them might be a blessing to someone who needs encouragement.
If you are just coming to my diary for the first time, please read my introductory entry, where I share some background that is important if you plan to follow this diary regularly.
Please also visit my music page, where you can hear samples from my debut CD, I Believe, which features songs written based on experiences shared in this journal.
I just found out yesterday that I am coming home for Thanksgiving. My three options had been to go to Gayle's, to go to Donna's sister's with Mike and his family, and to go to my great-grandmother's. I really wanted to see Gayle, but her mother who is an alcoholic and smokes a lot is going to be there. So I wasn't comfortable with any of those options. Mom called at 4:00 and asked what I had decided to do. I said I thought I would just go to Gayle's.
"Do you feel like you need to come home? If you will pay me back when you get your check, I have some money that Dad doesn't know about that I can use to buy you a ticket.?
I was ecstatic, to say the least! I have really wanted to come home. I have so many spiritual questions to work through, and I feel like I need to be at home to do that. I said yes, of course. I want to surprise everyone. I will get there at 10:45 Tuesday night, so I will probably be able to sneak in without anyone noticing. Hopefully Lynda and Dad will be in bed, and I can just be there when they get up the next morning. I can hardly wait to see everyone's reactions.
I was encouraged earlier by a song that some girls were playing. It's by Michael W. Smith, and it's called "Emily." I have always thought that it is a pretty song, and I hadn't heard it in a long time. As I listened, I realized that Emily could be anyone. She is a picture of everything I am going through, and one of the girls pointed out that Sarah Jane, which is what people here call me, would fit in Emily's spot. If she only knew how well I could fit in that spot.
Caught in an endless time, Looking for a sign To show you where to go. Lost in a silent stare, Looking anywhere For answers you don't know. On the wire balancing your dreams, Hoping ends will meet their means, But you feel alone, Uninspired. Oh, does it help you to Know that I believe in you? You're an angel waiting for wings, Emily. You, going through that stage. It's a restless age, Young and insecure. Still there are doubts to fade, Moments to be made, And one of them is yours. On the wire, balancing your dreams, Hoping ends will meet their means, But you feel alone, Uninspired. Oh, does it help you to Know that I believe in you? You're an angel waiting for wings, Emily.
I can't stop thinking about going home. It is in sight now, and that is much more than a sliver of hope. I am two days away from it. I am two days away from being able to hold MY cat and relax in her fur. I am two days away from the best surprise I will ever pull off. I am two days away from stuffing myself with my mom's and grandmother's delicious Thanksgiving food. I am two days away from finally working through the questions and pain I am carrying with me. And two days is a time that I am sure I can handle.
Well, I have just been encouraged again, and by a tape of the same girl's. (Her name is Angela.) She was playing a tape of a song called "He's All You Need" by Steve Camp. I remembered Kevin Boswell singing it for me once. Anyway, it perfectly describes the way I feel right now and has given me an answer that I have been seeking and would like very much to trust.
When you're alone, Your heart is torn, He's all you need. When you're confused, Your soul is bruised, He's all you need. He's the rock of your soul. He's the anchor that holds In your desperate times. When your way is unsure His love will endure, And peace you will find. THROUGH ALL YOUR YEARS< Your joy, and your tears He's all you need. When you give in To that familiar sin He's all you need. Guilt has you paralyzed, Slowly eats you alive, He's all you need. He is faithful to you Though your heart is untrue And your love's grown cold. His forgiveness is real. It will comfort and heal Your sin-weary soul. God loves you so. He'll never let you go. He's all you need. He'll be faithful to you Though your heart is untrue And your love's grown cold. His forgiveness is real. It will comfort and heal Your sin-weary soul. Through all your years, Your joy, and your tears He's all you need.
I know that all I really need to do is to believe that song. But I am going to need a little of God's help to find my faith. Somehow, Satan is reaching in, and I feel like I'm losing it. I don't want that because then I would lose my sliver of hope. I said I really have some spiritual issues to work through, and I think I need to get out of Anderson to do it. I didn't think Satan would set in so powerfully here, but I have never felt so much like this before. I know somewhere deep inside that God is stronger and that He is already helping me to find that peace. I can't believe that I am saying these things, but I am. I really do want to feel God's presence, and to be open to it when I feel it. I want to accept His love.
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