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Thanks for visiting my diary. I've been journaling since 1984 and have chosen to share some of my entries online. They are not all positive thoughts, but I hope that reading them might be a blessing to someone who needs encouragement.
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I am very frustrated. Apparently the timing on the anointing was not right. Something was not right. What I am frustrated about is not the timing but the confusion. Things are really strange, and I can't figure them out.
When I talked with June Wednesday, she was telling me her reaction to something our guest speaker said last Sunday morning. I will get back to the reaction. He said that he prayed for a man once, and the man wasn't healed. He asked God why-- after all, he loved God just as much as Peter and Paul. He said God said, "Have you ever been beaten or in prison for me?" The other day I decided for my journal entry to write a letter (which I have not done anything with yet) to get my thoughts out on paper.
Most of the service this morning was on being thankful, but certain parts (like when June talked about bringing our needs before God) didn't fit with the theme that we should be thankful for what we have. I know there is a prayer/needs component to most services, and in that respect I may appear to be a little off. You would almost need to have been there. The order was very disorganized and didn't seem to have much structure or connection. This is very unusual for this church.
I wanted to scream, and I was really on edge anyway because I don't feel thankful at all right now. At least not in the way I think people expect me to be. I AM thankful, but that is not what is on my mind right now. I can't figure out whether what is on my mind is a need or a stumbling block.
I don't know what I should do about my reactions to our discussion. I know I need to approach June, but I don't know whether to send the letter or take them to her face to face. I don't know that I could make it through a face-to-face conversation. Part of me doesn't see how she can say some of the things she said this morning--specific examples have slipped my mind--after some of the things she said to me on Wednesday. (Yes, I know that is judgmental. My hurt--and I was hurt by her saying I seemed to be getting along very well--does not excuse judgmentalism.) And am I selfish for wanting my healing? Especially at a time like this. Part of me says this is a cultural thing and God knows my heart and thinks that is more important than being thankful when the rest of the world is thankful. But going against the norm doesn't feel right to me any more than hiding away my need in order to act as others are acting.
The longer I put off approaching June, the more bitter and angry I become. The thing that bugs me most is that she (and a whole slew of other people) thinks I am getting along just fine in life. I can't be a youth counselor because I can't keep up with the kids. (That is a paraphrase, but it is the basic message I am getting. My mom agrees, but she thinks I would be an excellent teacher, which seems inconsistent to me.) My friends from church have for some reason stopped having me over. The latest reason is that Elli picked up some fleas at home, and they don't want fleas or Elli hair in their carpet because they babysit children during the week. Why didn't this come up earlier in the year?
My parents used to call this feeling sorry for myself (and probably still would). I stopped telling my mom because she usually agrees with the opposite side. What I want is just for her to listen because I am NOT getting along just fine because I don't FEEL fine! Quite honestly, I would like to hit someone or scream. I am supposed to be getting along just fine, but I know very well that only the most insane people would want this kind of life. I am not insane at all. I want to be a whole person, and I don't feel like a whole person at all.
I know that all of the problem is not because of my disability, but I also know that a good amount of it is. To me, the suggestion that I REEEEEEEALLY don't need to ask for healing(or that I shouldn't) because I can get along just as well without it IS a stumbling block. I meant every word of what I said in that letter. Does God care only about just getting by,or does he want His children to experience the fullness of life. Yes, life is more than tangible things, but life is also tangible things. I have a problem with an image of God who cares so much about eternity that He ignores our needs or desires in this life. For a while I thought that maybe He wasn't healing me because He was trying to get me to focus on Him.
I'm just going back over the same things again and again and again. If God was only concerned about dire emergencies, then why do we pray for our families when they get the flu? Seriously. And if God cares about the flu, then why shouldn't he care about someone's eyes?
If this were last year, I would have called Vicki, and one of us would have gone 30 miles to be with the other, and she would have just prayed with me. But it isn't last year, and I can't call Vicki at all, and there is no one local who will understand or pray. And up, up, up goes the phone bill ...
I have thought that maybe all that was going to be done has been done and I am keeping something up that is not really in God's plan, but I really can't believe that. For some reason, I have been dying to do the simple, ordinary things everyone else takes for granted, and that desire has been much greater than it ever has been. I can't tell you how much I would like to go to the library and just browse, or any number of other things. I don't know if this kind of thing is normal for someone with a disability or not. I don't really think it matters. The whole point is that I have a desire which is stronger than it has been in a long time, and it does not appear to me that it is being acknowledged.
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