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Thanks for visiting my diary. I've been journaling since 1984 and have chosen to share some of my entries online. They are not all positive thoughts, but I hope that reading them might be a blessing to someone who needs encouragement.
If you are just coming to my diary for the first time, please read my introductory entry, where I share some background that is important if you plan to follow this diary regularly.
Please also visit my music page, where you can hear samples from my debut CD, I Believe, which features songs written based on experiences shared in this journal.
First, here is the letter I wrote to Nathan yesterday. Some of these things are redundant, I know; but I am going through another period of questioning, and I want to keep these things together.
... I know that the anointing is not necessarily what enables the healing (and I still believe that is in the picture), but I do believe it is something God wants of me for several reasons.
First, I view it as my profession of faith in His healing power. He says put both coins in the offering; I am ready to do that. Also, I believe He is teaching lessons throughout this process and that the process is important. It may be that some of that teaching is directed at others, in which case their receptiveness would be as important as the belief they already share.
Anyway, those are the thoughts I am having right now. June has heard those, and her mood seems to be open although hesitant. She said she does have some problems with healing. She mentioned not knowing how or when to ask. Personally, I don't believe it is wrong or inappropriate to ask for healing (or anything that is on my mind) ever. I said once that originally I treated this desire as a stumbling block. I prayed that it would be taken away, and it never was. So I unveiled it totally before Him. That was and is the only proper place for it. When is when the desire is weighing on my heart, and how (or so I think I am learning) doesn't matter much. Honestly is how.
I am not sure about my whole reaction to this talk. But I do trust that He will have His way with it.
Next thing I want to do is write an unmailed letter to June. (We'll see what I do with it when I finish.) I want to get my reactions to our discussion out on paper.
I want to share my reactions to our conversation with you, not with bitterness, but in all honesty, because I think you need to know. I don't want to create guilt for you, but to share some of the questions I do have with you.
I think the thing that hit me hardest was what you said about my getting along well just as I am. I don't deny there is some truth to that, and I tried to use that when I treated my desire for healing as a stumbling block. But in all seriousness,would you really want to trade places with me, to have the experiences I have? Some I have shared with you and some I haven't. Not to paint a picture full of pity, but (especially lately) I have been through a lot of painful experiences because of my blindness. In many areas of my life I am dependent on other people. Some people would say that's just my lot in life. I don't believe asking for healing is wrong, ever. When it is a desire that is heavy enough to be a burden on my heart, the only proper thing to do is lay it before the Lord.
This leads me to some of the other things I want to share. You are right that God will do His will no matter what anyone else does. At the same time, I have some questions about that. If that is the case, why do we spend time in prayer for anything? Why is it easy to take the small things or the seriously ill to Him but not the disabled when they desire healing? I have been in quite a few churches since this started two years ago, and this is the first church where I have felt the need to address these questions. Again, I ask them in all seriousness. I don't know why everyone isn't healed, but I do believe that God does not base His decision to heal on the type of illness or the apparent need of the person.
I don't expect a lightning bolt and an instant healing. Your reaction to the words from Brother Moore's Sunday morning message which you shared with me, seemed to communicate that you felt unworthy to pray for me. Were you worried about what happened if I was not healed when you prayed, the questions either of us might have to face? On a similar note, can our love for God be compared with anyone else's any more than our faith? To me, that would be condemning. God may convict, but I don't think He condemns us for asking questions.
Being anointed is for me a profession of faith. I know the healing does not depend on the anointing or on the praying, but I think those things are important in our lives. I think it is important to act on faith as well as to have it. With those things said, I am back to where I started. I don't know why I have felt that the timing and the placement was right. Maybe I am wrong, or maybe it is. I trust that God will lead in that area as in all others. I needed you to know my feelings.
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