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Thanks for visiting my diary. I've been journaling since 1984 and have chosen to share some of my entries online. They are not all positive thoughts, but I hope that reading them might be a blessing to someone who needs encouragement.
If you are just coming to my diary for the first time, please read my introductory entry, where I share some background that is important if you plan to follow this diary regularly.
Please also visit my music page, where you can hear samples from my debut CD, I Believe, which features songs written based on experiences shared in this journal.
James and I have been having problems for a long time. He says it's because we don't spend enough time together. I'm not sure why that statement bothers me. Is it because we should be able to remain close no matter where we are? If we can't do thatnow, how will we do it when we're married? He says it will be different because we'll be married. Engagement is supposed to be practice, isn't it? Something is really wrong with this picture.
More people are asking if I am sure about this. I know I don't need people's approval, but the opinions of people I trustshould tell me something.
I wanted us to be a couple. I wanted us to be an example for other couples. I wanted us to love each other. I wanted us to minister together.
He says he needs a mature and stable wife. Well, maybe I'm not mature enough or stable enough to be what he needs. Lord, I think he is covering up a lot of things and not letting You deal with him. I can't handle him saying things in anger and then saying he didn't mean them. I need someone mature and stable, too, and I am not sure James is that someone. If he was, he would have been patient with me through my hard times. Instead, he said he didn't want to be around me and that I was "throwing a pity party". I tried thinking that maybe he didn't realize that I had not talked with anyone or cried about these things, but he should have knownme well enough to know. He knew I needed friends. He knew I was struggling with fear and anger and self-esteem. He should haveknown that something needed to be released.
But he didn't know. I told him, and he still didn't know. He told me, but he still didn't know. I prayed that he would see, andhe still didn't know.
That's what I can't handle, Lord. I'm learning to accept honesty through my friendship with Gina. I am thankful for her friendship. I know that she is being open with me, and I know that I need that openness. I'm learning that it's normal and all right to be upset and even to cry about it. It's not right to be sarcastic and send mixed messages. I know I've been sending some mixed messages to James because of my indecisiveness, and I need Your strength so that I can be consistent. If this engagement is over, Lord--and to be honest, I think I would be doing much better if it was over--then help me to bring it to an end. Help me to deal with James' reactions. Help me to trust You with my time and my need for friendship. Help me not to slip away from You--I need to know Your love more than I ever have before.
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