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Thanks for visiting my diary. I've been journaling since 1984 and have chosen to share some of my entries online. They are not all positive thoughts, but I hope that reading them might be a blessing to someone who needs encouragement.
If you are just coming to my diary for the first time, please read my introductory entry, where I share some background that is important if you plan to follow this diary regularly.
Please also visit my music page, where you can hear samples from my debut CD, I Believe, which features songs written based on experiences shared in this journal.
I've just returned from out of town for the remainder of the hearing in which I served as a witness. I had quite a bit more time to spend with the three children, and I wanted to share a rather interesting and surprising experience. I am still kind of reeling, as I've never seen anything like this. T. had retained several of the new contractions I had taught her at her request last week. That wasn't what surprised me. She asked me to write her a paragraph which she could try reading. I used simple words and devised a paragraph which would allow her to use context clues to figure out the contractions independently. She was very excited about this adventure and was also very successful. I had done this using a slate and stylus while she watched.
After she read her paragraph and drew a picture on the bottom, she asked to experiment with the slate. I put paper in it for her and gave her complete freedom to do as she pleased with it. In my past experience, which has all been with students who were quite a bit older, the students have either just made random dots or have attempted to write something and quickly become frustrated.
This child took my slate, started on the top line, and wrote a sentence. Of course, it was backwards because I had neglected to inform her about the difference in dot numbering due to my assumption that she would just "scribble". When I explained this to her, she took the slate back and rewrote the sentence correctly. I am just shocked because the picture being painted of this child is that she has such a major deficit in Braille skills!
I had a lot of feelings as I sat through these days with the family. I wasn't allowed in the room to hear what was going on because I was a witness. On Sunday night, I went out and met the mother, and my parents left me there for the two nights. We went to church, and the congregation laid hands on her and prayed for the kids and the whole situation. I sat there wondering if the special ed director was at her church asking for people to pray for "what was best for these kids" (because surely their family was so misguided or some such thing). I did eventually get to sit in for the last part of the hearing. I had already testified, and I was allowed in because I had sat outside for three and a half days and wasn't talking any more. I kept perceiving so much hostility from the school's attorney and the special ed director. I just sat there thinking that maybe they go to church and how would I deal with it if I had been a member of church and they asked for prayer like that. I was glad I wasn't stuck in a situation like that.
We are now at the point of, "Having done all, stand..." The hearing officer will have two weeks to make his decision. The family and I have been praying specifically that the hearts of the school personnel will be softened and that a desire will burn in them to give to the kids the best of their teaching ability and the best efforts to meet the kids' needs right where they are. There is a person who desires to work as an aide who is quitting her job at the end of the month. On an emotional level it feels as though God is drawing all resources together to provide for the kids. I don't know whether I should or can take that as a word from Him that the children will stay in their district. I have been let down so many times by name it/claim it experiences! I no longer know the meaning of "Whatever you ask for in the name of Jesus, believing that you have received it, it will be done for you," means. I would like to think that surely with all of these people agreeing in prayer and with the family having a good strong church which desires to support them in every way, surely God will grant this. But I do not control God; nor do I know His mind. I have wondered if perhaps He kept the other job from me because He was making me available to these children; but I do not know why He does what He does, and I don't exactly like thinking that one child should suffer so that three could prosper.
I know that faith is a gift and that it cannot be created or constructed. I know that faith is something we must have to please God. I know that He gives to those who are in need and that His gifts are always generous. I know that He can calm this fear and pain inside of me. I have been crying off and on since I got home. Maybe I am supposed to cry. Maybe that is my prayer reaching out to Him. Maybe that is the depth of my burden making itself known. I had a lot of anxiety beforeI spoke, and He kept reminding me that He did not give me a spirit of fearbut of love, power, and a sound mind, and that He would give me boldness to stand up for what is right, but also that I am a tool in His fight. Well, I've done my dart-throwing, my punching, kicking, screaming, etc. And now it's just time to get on my knees and let my heart be exposed before Him because He is my Abba and I need to go to Him just as I go to my daddy when I'm hurting. And He doesn't care if I've been a bit codependent in the past. He just cares that I'm doing what I understand to be His leading and that my heart is breaking.
As I was helping these precious kids with their homework last night, I realized that I CAN teach and that perhaps it was my control and not the teaching that I am to give up. This is an ongoing struggle for me. I take the gifts God gave to me, and instead of pursuing them with a holy passion, I pursue them with selfish ambition. I don't mean to, but it's something that just creeps up on me.
On another note, the family's lawyer is a disability lawyer in private practice. He is a wonderful man with a wonderful, compassionate heart and believes that he may be able to find a loophole that would allow him to help me with pursuing action against the other school. I don't have money to pay up front for any of this, and the EEOC is not doing its job. According to him, this is not uncommon for the EEOC. I am not above taking action against the EEOC either. I have ceased to be content with believing that people will do what is right just because it is right or even just because it is the law. I respect people and even offer my trust, but I am no longer willing to allow my trust to be broken without consequences. If I continue to do this, I am allowing myself to be abused over and over as well as abusing myself because I don't have the self-respect to stand up for what is right.
I would like to write a lot more, but I am exhausted and really need to do something to treat myself. The family gave me a basket with little soaps and bath items in it. If nothing else, I have made friends, and I need not fear that. So I think I'll finish my email and then let God listen to me while I am enjoying the gift of friendshipHe's provided for me. I need to thank Him for that, and I need to stop being afraid to let Him hear my heart.
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