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Thanks for visiting my diary. I've been journaling since 1984 and have chosen to share some of my entries online. They are not all positive thoughts, but I hope that reading them might be a blessing to someone who needs encouragement.
If you are just coming to my diary for the first time, please read my introductory entry, where I share some background that is important if you plan to follow this diary regularly.
Please also visit my music page, where you can hear samples from my debut CD, I Believe, which features songs written based on experiences shared in this journal.
When everyone around you sees
An ordinary life,
Fit for nothing more than common dreams,
I can see the stars of heaven
Shining in your eyes.
Soon the world will hear the angels sing.Mary, I know its hard to understand...
You hold the Light of the world in your hands.I choose you to bring the world a Savior.
I choose you to bring the world a King.
I choose you to be the arms of love that hold the Answer
For the world to see My promises come true...
I choose you.I know there are many questions
Weighing on your mind:
What is becoming of your life?
Oh, just remember I have called you
To leave your fears behind -
To walk by faith and not by sight.Mary, I know its all a mystery;
My hand is leading if you'll only believe.I choose you to bring the world a Savior.
I choose you to bring the world a King.
I choose you to be the arms of love that hold the Answer
For the world to see My promises come true...
I choose you.And He shall be called Emmanuel,
Wonderful, Prince of Peace.I choose you to bring the world a Savior.
I choose you to bring the world a King.I choose you to bring the world a Savior.
I choose you to bring the world a King.
I choose you to be the arms of love that hold the Answer
For the world to see My promises come true...
I choose you...
This song has always moved me very deeply. I certainly don't equate myself with the mother of God, but there are things I can learn from her life, from her chosenness; and I, too, am to "bring the world a Saviour." For someone, I am the person who holds the knowledge of who Jesus is. I have the ability to unwrap and reveal him, to say, "Here. Touch him. Get close to him." God chose Mary to be his mother physically. He chooses each of us to bear him to all the world... That's why Jesus said, "Whoever follows me is my mother and my brothers."
So with all that in mind, I have to look at myself with God's eyes... I have to look past those common dreams...
I was reading sermon notes posted in Pastor Ronald Green's blog... One of the requirements mentioned for "being a God-bearer" (in his November 27 entry) is "the willingness to take the opportunity to do what can be done even when one does not have much with which to work." This is something that has driven my actions lately, and it has to keep driving me in a world where the norm seems to be for things (even those that "bear God" to "look flashy" in the name of "giving one's best." For years I have put off the idea of producing my own music because I could not make it sound "good enough" to compete with professionally produced products. The proposed solution has always been to seek someone else to do it for me, to spend time attempting to find an established artist who would record my songs. I considered this off and on for several years in the privacy of my own mind although I think it would surprise my family to know that I have done so and that I have submitted songs anywhere. The particular song that family is most interested in hearing someone record is an extremely personal song for me: a song I wrote about my relationship with my grandmother. A friend recently told me that she loves singing my songs but that she feels odd singing that one because it's such a personal song. It's hard enough to imagine someone else singing my songs when I have a usable voice; but it's especially hard to imagine someone singing THAT song: a song that directly tells about an experience in my life in the first-person perspective.
But I did try getting a few songs out, and when I finish a new song I often try to imagine an established artist singing it. What I've learned over the years is that if I could choose anyone to submit my songs to, my choices would end up being artists who would not record my songs: they write their own material, and my songs are heavily influenced by their style. So submitting songs to established artists would end up being a lot like trying to find a job. It makes no sense for me to spend time trying to do this when I could be spending the time singing and getting the songs out. Maybe the audiences are smaller than those of established artists; but I don't need large audiences... I've spent the last ten years with my web site and email groups online doing things with small audiences, just doing what needed to be done and watching them blossom. I really have no idea how many people see my site every day. I know that if I send one email to every email group I am subscribed to, I have emailed 25,000 people in a day. I don't think about this very much--it gives me a panic attack. If God can do that with my little web site and email address, what can He do if I let Him take charge of my CD and music ministry? In the end, I'd rather see that CD in ten people's hands who treat it like gold than on 10,000 people's shelves collecting dust anyway.
I started to write this entry because I wanted to try to put in words my feelings and thoughts. That isn't so easy, even though it seems so clear to me! Somehow, pitching my songs out right now just doesn't "work." They are pieces of a testimony that is about God's faithfulness through hardship. I've been asked why I didn't go to a studio. It's partially about the fact that I'm poor. But it's also about the fact that I WANTED to do it at home. If by the time I do the next CD I have better equipment, then the next one will be a higher quality. But this one is a communication piece not just with the music and lyrics but in its production. The simplicity is part of what communicates. God uses the weak things of the world to confound the strong... That doesn't mean that I'm not giving my best... It means that my best is given and preserved within its natural element. I am not artificially equipped beyond my means, and that somehow matters to me very much.
Pastor Green continues in his December 4 posting:
Mary represents all those who feel unworthy and, in fact, unusable for divine service. Mary�s question is the one many ask: Can God use even me? ... God has a unique work for each and every person to do. The most important issue is whether we are available. Most of us ask secondary
questions like Am I important enough? Do I have enough money? ... God�s question is: Are you available?
"Do I have enough money?" That's pretty close to home... "Do I have enough ability vocally? Enough stage presence?" "Do People want to hear what I have to say?" "Will I be able to get the graphic design portions done?" "Will my health be good enough?" It's all stuff God will take care of... Don't I trust that this would be covered under every need He will supply???
Are you available for personal communion with God? ... The feeling of self-sufficiency robs us of God�s nourishment.
There is no more accurate statement than this--and no more direct way to start eroding at a person's spiritual life than to make him/her think that everything is fine. Bible study can wait a bit, can't it? There are other things that do need to get done, no? Oh, look how tired I am! Surely I won't get enough rest if I stay awake and do my Bible study or pray or have a bit of worshipful communion with God... Nah, I'll just do that tomorrow... And it never gets done.
Being a blessing to the world and to future generations has little to do with climbing ladders of popularity, or of power, or of possessions; it has everything to do with responding to the call of God to care and to share�to care enough to give and to share enough to help.
I am listening. Father, please provide me with whatever I need to answer--listening does require an answer!
Are you available to live in harmony with the divine priorities? Mary knew that God was not impressed with that which impresses us (See vv 51-52).
See top paragraph above.
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