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Thanks for visiting my diary. I've been journaling since 1984 and have chosen to share some of my entries online. They are not all positive thoughts, but I hope that reading them might be a blessing to someone who needs encouragement.
If you are just coming to my diary for the first time, please read my introductory entry, where I share some background that is important if you plan to follow this diary regularly.
Please also visit my music page, where you can hear samples from my debut CD, I Believe, which features songs written based on experiences shared in this journal.
I've been reading a lot of entries from 1998 this afternoon. I'm noticing how unable I was to see the true picture of what God was doing in my life at the time. I'm so thankful that He has done it anyway!
I was very consumed during May with questions and thoughts about healing. This is no surprise. I thought I had already fought this battle over vision loss and healing and come to terms with everything. But things changed when I lost my vision: I had to confront my anger because God wasn't doing what He promised--He wasn't doing things *MY* way. I was perplexed by the text of James 4:3: "When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures." I thought that I was asking with perfectly fine motives: I would have read to anyone, driven anyone around, declared what God had done, etc. At least, that is what I said.
I want to make the lives of people with disabilities better. I want to work to break down the misperceptions about disabilities, and I do not want anything at all to stand in the way. Not transportation, not attitudes, not inaccessibility of materials. And in this process I want to tell people about You and all of the miracles You have done for me--not just healing my eyes, but also healing my heart and soul and the forgiveness You show every day. I want to teach people that You are a God who keeps promises and who deserves every ounce of trust we have to give. I want people to know that trusting You is not foolish.
But the truth was still buried in a dark corner of my heart. I really wanted healing because I was terrified of being totally blind. I would not realize this for several more months, until I would begin my exploration of the impact of blindness. I wasn't quite ready to begin that journey yet... Something has to pave the way for that journey to begin in earnest. I was only laying the path to get the car out of the garage, throwing my temper tantrums because God wasn't doing what I wanted Him to do!
Over the next few months, I tried the old familiar techniques: bargaining with Him and demonstrating how sincere I really was by straightening up my act and saying all the right words. I did feel a measure of peace when I straightened up and followed the path... But I was only going through the motions, and God knew it--and my peace was limited as a result.
Oh, that didn't keep Him from trying to get my attention. He tried very hard. He woke me up on the morning of August 21 and spoke to my heart and mind. I wrote the words in my journal:
Can't you see? When you're hurting and you think you can't go on, I want to work my miracles in you. Don't be ashamed of yourself for not meeting up with my standards or for not being perfect! Boast in these things; for it is there that my strength is displayed! Oh, how I want to work my miracles in your life! Oh, won't you ask me to heal your heart and your broken spirit as fervently as you ask me to heal your body? I allowed you to suffer so that I could show you how very much I love you by healing your heart and spirit. I allow you to walk away so that I could show you how much I love you by welcoming you home. Oh, if only you would stop relying on yourself and rely on me! I will make you whole. I will fill the empty places in your heart. I will carry you through the darkness. I will raise you up out of this valley. I will restore you to a place of integrity. Then no longer will people think you irresponsible and immature, but they will marvel at what I have done with you because you trusted me. Then you will use your music to glorify me and to bring my love to others. Then you will raise up children to worship me and whom I will bless with prophesies, dreams, and visions.
As I read these entries now, I am awestruck! I had no idea what these things meant at the time! I thought I did, and I thought I was clinging to the promises! But often prophecies are given long before they can be understood, and this is no exception. I wasn't meant to become a parent right away, and I wasn't meant to be healed right away. (Notice that nothing regarding my physical healing was spoken in this.) I was meant to be restored, followed by entry into the music ministry that was promised to me as a child, followed by the raising of children to worship the Lord. This is a specific sequence of events, and I can now see how it is taking place.
Over the past seven years, I have been restored to a place of integrity in a number of circles. There are areas where I desperately need continued teaching; but there are areas where I am regarded as a person worthy of respect professionally and spiritually. My emotional stability is fairly good and continuing to improve, and I am learning how to truly depend on God instead of use Him as a vending machine.
Following this restoration, I have begun to step out regarding the music ministry, and I have confidence that God is blessing it and that the timing is right. I see Him opening doors that were previously shut. I understand now that the child doors will also open in their own time.
Regarding my writing about wanting to make the lives of people with disabilities better, God has dealt with me rather harshly about this. My healing is not meant to make me a person who can do and be all things to myself and others. Certainly, I am to invest my talents! But I am not meant to be an island unto myself, and I am not required to be perfect in order for God to use me in ministry. It is His choice whom to use, when and how. He doesn't need to heal me in order to remove the barriers from my ministry. In fact, He gifts the body of Christ for that very purpose: building up and discipling; and if I think I can function all by myself by asking Him to heal me, then I need to take another look at His intention for me as a member of His body. God's purpose is largely about community health.
Furthermore, what merit will my message have in the lives of people with disabilities if I am whole and (in their eyes) unable to meet them where they are? This is an area where my philosophy has done a complete about face. Do I still pray for healing? Yes, if that is God's gift to me. But I also recognize that right now His will is that I go out as a person with not one but several disabilities, in fact that my music be home-made and that sometimes I stumble over my words, that I require assistance from other people, in fact that I live a life of poverty. Those are things that shape who I am, that cause me to believe in Him. To trade them for perfection is to preach another gospel, to introduce people to a fantasy god and not the one I know at all.
Thank You, God, for being so patient with me and for revealing the truth to me, even though I am stubborn and take so long to see it sometimes!
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