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Thanks for visiting my diary. I've been journaling since 1984 and have chosen to share some of my entries online. They are not all positive thoughts, but I hope that reading them might be a blessing to someone who needs encouragement.
If you are just coming to my diary for the first time, please read my introductory entry, where I share some background that is important if you plan to follow this diary regularly.
Please also visit my music page, where you can hear samples from my debut CD, I Believe, which features songs written based on experiences shared in this journal.
My roommate has been in the hospital for two weeks. My fiance and I have had some nice time together. But I am scared, like always. He wants to have sex. I want to wait. Why do I want to wait? I don't know. He certainly doesn't care. Oh, he'll wait if that's what I want, but this is how it was last year. Is this the life You called me to?
He wants us to have a ministry together. Leading worship, doing Bible studies. Helping people like my friend... Yet we cannot agree on what is right and wrong, what is pure and what isn't. Is this the life You called me to?
We were going to go to New York for the New Year and take my roommate. I think he would rather go alone. We don't have enough money. He says he isn't upset, but I have a feeling he is and I'll hear about it later. It's just one of the things I didn't follow through with.
He wants to go to our parents' houses for Christmas. Once upon a time my roommate was a part of our "family". We told her we would spend Christmas together here. Now he talks of little else butmaking her independent.
I am willing to go to his mother's house. I cannot stand being around his mother. I feel like she hates me with her innermost being. I am not good enough for her.
I wanted to put some things together for my roommate for Christmas. I have no money to buy anything. I am planning to spend my Christmas money from Granny on stuff to makegift baskets for the rest of the family. He would rather that I spend time with him. Unless I am cleaning.
Lord, I can't break another engagement. I just cannot. I can't take his suicidal gestures and my friend's lack of trust--she thinks we are meant for each other. I would be the cause of a death and the destroyer of a friendship. I can't handle that responsibility. I can't handle that guilt. I can't handle that fear. If this isn't Your will, then somehow take care of it. If this really is Your will, I know it has to get better, and I need You to show me some progress is being made. I cannot please everyone else, but I cannot take the disharmony in my own home. I need a home. I need a family. I need stability. I cannot go one step further until I know that I am going the right way.
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