powered by SignMyGuestbook.com
Thanks for visiting my diary. I've been journaling since 1984 and have chosen to share some of my entries online. They are not all positive thoughts, but I hope that reading them might be a blessing to someone who needs encouragement.
If you are just coming to my diary for the first time, please read my introductory entry, where I share some background that is important if you plan to follow this diary regularly.
Please also visit my music page, where you can hear samples from my debut CD, I Believe, which features songs written based on experiences shared in this journal.
Home is not a good place for me to be hopeful or to feel pain. No one would realize that. My dad and I talked about things that would make someone need inner child work. He has a M.S. in counseling. He doesn't think that lack of an outlet or social opportunities is the same as abusive, dysfunctional family. Why then did I learn so quickly and easily to isolate? Why was it so easy for people who first met me to think that I was older? My dad says every oldest child has those issues. I did not have opportunities to be a child with my peers, and I did not have freedom to hurt about it at home. I was always supposed to change something about myself or just learn to accept it. That was Mom's most recent advice: it is "the adult way" to be alone.
No, my parents do not recognize any of this. In their own way they were trying to help. They thought I wanted them to fix it. They didn't know I just wanted a hug and someone to listen. That was why I refused to go to counseling as a kid. I just wanted parents to listen and care, not somebody who got paid for it. So I learned that it was better to keep it inside, to not feel, because people couldn't or didn't have time to give what I needed. When I was around Beth's age there was a song popular by Melissa Manchester called "Don't Cry Out Loud." Every time I listened to it I thought about my mom and thought that it was something she might say: "Don't cry out loud. Just keep it inside, and learn how to hide your feelings. Fly high and proud, and if you should fall remember you almost had it all." Well, almost is not good enough. I wanted it all, and it hurt not to have it, and I should have been able to hurt. Not that they were never there. They were sometimes, but at many really important times I was alone.
I am a member of Lighted Path, a directory of Christian diaries.
Read my profile. This is not a comprehensive introduction, but there is some fun information there.
Visit my official site to read more of my writing:
http://www.growingstrong.org
Did you enjoy reading my diary? Feel free to share it with other people you know. Tell your friends about my diary. If you have your own site, you can link to me using the URL: http://freeinjesus.diaryland.com.
Email me directly. This is the best way to get a message to me personally and privately.
Leave me a note here at Diaryland.
powered by SignMyGuestbook.com