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Thanks for visiting my diary. I've been journaling since 1984 and have chosen to share some of my entries online. They are not all positive thoughts, but I hope that reading them might be a blessing to someone who needs encouragement.
If you are just coming to my diary for the first time, please read my introductory entry, where I share some background that is important if you plan to follow this diary regularly.
Please also visit my music page, where you can hear samples from my debut CD, I Believe, which features songs written based on experiences shared in this journal.
Lord, I know that there is a lot of spiritual activity going on in me. I know that You are speaking to me and reaching out to me. I even hear You. I am ignoring You, and this bothers me. Peter said spiritual warfare is a must. It is hitting me really hard. I sleep late in the mornings, I'm always rushed and tired, and I don't feel well. I don't have a good image of myself despite Your reassurances that I am Your child and You love me. I feel like I am a disgrace to You, and it doesn't feel like conviction. I know I should be spending time with You, and I don't do it. Tonight I was even weighing the pros and cons of giving up my belief in You--again. The only reason I didn't is that is not as easy as it seems, especially since I grew up learning about You. You have become a part of me in some ways. My responses to the world around me reflect my belief in You. My attitude is not as hard as what I perceive in people who do not believe in You, even though it is far from the attitude I think You want me to have.
My head is ready to go with You, but my heart--the part that counts--is not willing. Something (someone) is holding me back, and I cannot fight this battle on my own. I need Your help.
I know that You are perfect and holy. I know that even when I can't see it. I want to be a part of Your kingdom more than anything else. For a split second tonight, I thought that maybe if I didn't believe in heaven or hell, it wouldn't matter whether I went to hell. But the question would have always been there. What if I was missing out on heaven? I long to see You and to enter into Your rest. I have wanted that more since Vicki died than ever before.
I know that You have plans for me which no one can hinder. That no one is not limited to people here on earth. It is also limited to spiritual forces. Help me to be patient while Your will is being done..
Help me to get out of the rich man state and to trust You to provide for my needs. I don't have to see You do it to know You do, but I have already seen it. That reinforces my belief in Your ability. Help my unbelief and free me to trust You.
I am also feeling a need for broken relationships in my life to be healed. Please help me to forgive where forgiveness is needed and to repent where repentance is needed.
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Read my profile. This is not a comprehensive introduction, but there is some fun information there.
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http://www.growingstrong.org
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