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Thanks for visiting my diary. I've been journaling since 1984 and have chosen to share some of my entries online. They are not all positive thoughts, but I hope that reading them might be a blessing to someone who needs encouragement.
If you are just coming to my diary for the first time, please read my introductory entry, where I share some background that is important if you plan to follow this diary regularly.
Please also visit my music page, where you can hear samples from my debut CD, I Believe, which features songs written based on experiences shared in this journal.
Lord, I have always wanted to lead a Bible study. I don't know if it is because I want to be a leader--I know that Isometimes (often) have that desire wrongly. I don't know if it is because that is something You really want me to do.
Last week a lady from church talked to me about the fact that people usually dress up for church on Sunday mornings. Well, I knew that, and if people really paid much attention they would know that I used to dress up and that now when I do I am always wearing the same dress. This is because I have not had the money to get the rest of my outfits dry-cleaned. That is partly my fault and partly just the way it is. Anyway, I felt very out of place, like I was being judged because of what I wear. I was raised to dress up for church, but I never felt that You cared what I wore. I felt that the implication was that I was disrupting things because I didn't wear the right clothing. What I wear is not even revealing.
I was also asked why we moved "all the way up there". We moved to another apartment complex which is not very close to campus or to the place where he works. We moved here because we wanted to be able to be around if my friend needed our help while she was adjusting to living on her own. We first applied to the subsidized housing complex for the elderly and disabled, where she lives, but no apartment was available for us. This complex we live in is nice and a more mature atmosphere than the complexes near campus, and we like it here. I have to have someone drive me to campus, but I pay for it and that is my business. Again, as with most situations in my life, I feel that I must justify my actions to other people. I shouldn't have to do this. Maybe the person was just curious, but I felt like the question was an indirect way of saying that picking me up was a big inconvenience.
I thought about it for a long time--I did not go to church. The thought came to me: "If you are not getting what you need, then maybe you are the one who needs to provide it." I have been to four churches here, and very rarely have I felt comfortable. I know that there are other people who feel much the same way, mostly newer Christians who need to know You are a God of love and forgiveness. Your truth was never meant to hurt, and it isn't twisting it to present it in a way that draws people to You. So maybe it would be right for me to lead a Bible study. So I guess the point of this writing is to ask that You give me direction and confidence, that You keep me on Your path so that I don't takematters into my own hands as I often do, and that You send the people who need this.
I got a new kitten, Inca. She is black, and I love her so much. I just wish she would cuddle with me, but she is afraid of the dogs. Did I ever write about us getting Bridget? Bridget is a little dog who looks like a German shepherd but isn't really very big.
My roommate has a kitten also, named Smudge. Her apartment is going to be open on Tuesday, and I am teaching her how to get from here to there and from there to here. She is doing really well. She is pretty sad about moving, so I hope You will help her to feel better. That is putting some stress on me, and my husband's comments about it are also a little stressful. So far I am trying to just ignore them.
I want to apply to graduate school at the University of Michigan in Ann Arbor for their psychology program. I have changed my major from education to rehabilitation, but what I really want to do is to do counseling out of my home. I want to help people to see how You can help them overcome their emotional trials. You certainly help me overcome mine.
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